Enhanced News

Rev. Steve Schlissel - April 28, 2017

The post immediately preceding this on our page has been uh-huhed (??) and winked at by an out-of-towner (pardon my intemperate language) who cast suspicion on its veracity. Is that “uh-huh-er” a reliable witness? Consider: though once a Schlissel–and a Brooklynite–she has become, to her Italian mother’s inconsolable grief, neither. That’s right. She now goes about by the name of Hodges (an otherwise fine name–and finer still when the MISLEADING plural [‘s’] at the end is dropped).

No doubt, the Georgian whistle-blower will contend that her mother was NOT opposed to the de-schlisselizing. She will allege that the Momma had participated in an episode which sure LOOKED like approval, i.e., when Sarah Faith first informed her four sisters and mother of her impending name-change-thingy: Momma did join the jumping throng of XX’s, who all appeared to be trying to shake wet rice grains off their palms while misquoting nursery rhymes. But MUST such behavior imply approval? Screams, for example, can cover a wide swathe of evidentiary ground, including shock and horror. And maybe it WAS wet rice–HOT wet rice, a staple in this home. Thus, pure approbation was not necessarily that night’s theme.

This same person seemed to WINK about our news post. But keep in mind that winking is a trait against which, she, we—and you, dear reader—are warned in most Ancient Near East wisdom literature. Even the great king of old, Cabbius Calloway warned against Winnie the Winker.

Finally, while I do not wish to cast aspersions, certainly not upon my own progeny, yet when the authenticity of a Schlissel news release is scoffed at, gloves must be removed. Specifically, ask yourself if our first born (presently a Foreigner to Holy Brooklyn!!) has the native smarts you’d want in someone you’d trust. The plain facts tell you whom you ought to believe. Sarah Faith’s intelligence was insufficient to get her graduated from high school before her 15th birthday. No, I’m not proud, but I’ve been pushed to this! Worse, she hadn’t finished college (with honors and a CPA) until the ripe old age of 18. By the time she got her Master’s Degree (at 21) and a gig at Morgan Stanley, we had become accustomed to humiliation. If only we hadn’t listened to our friend Mary Pride, hadn’t wasted all those years homeschooling her–she might have turned out differently, someone of whom we could be proud, instead of the girl who once changed the lyrics of a Beatles song to: I WANT to Spoil the Party.

But alas, here she is now, making judgments on our news releases. Well, we want our daughter–and everyone else–to know that the above piece about Schlissel ‘senses’ leading to deli-run-ins was as accurate and reliable as ANYTHING you’ll see in the New York Times, or on MSNBC or CNN, etc. It isn’t fake news at all! It’s what we in the business call “Enhanced News,” and we do it that way because YOU deserve it. And this has been our unbroken policy since the first editor of our tradition uttered those three amazing words we have since relied upon to guide and direct our reporting: “What is truth?”

In closing, understand this: Just because the assorted Schlissel parties in that picture had ARRANGED to meet at that deli should not be permitted to rob you of the joy and wonder you COULD possess from believing our enhanced version. Come on! If you can’t trust what you read on Facebook, what has the world come to? And if none of the above comforts you, find solace in this: no tusks or whale blubber were used in making these reports.

Don’t get greedy.

So there, Sa! (xxxxxxoooo Always proud of you. How could it be otherwise, my love?)

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